Oh Cheers

Just not surprising in this day and age

FANS OF SURPRISES are confirming that more surprises than ever are becoming still less surprising.

This latest realisation comes after a slew of reports that UK railway passengers customers are set to pay fares of inflation-busting rates yet again, despite two prior decades of unfair inflation-busting fare increases.

Furthermore this news comes despite the perpetual increase in overcrowding and statistics of ever-reduced reliability, despite these facts’ own inevitability and corresponding unsurprisingness.

One especially frantic commuter commented today as follows:

“I just cannot believe we are getting value for money. Every day I wham myself into that cattle carriage like a bent-up cow, along with several hundred other bovinesque city folk.

I can hardly breath without inhaling the long hair strands of the pretty blond less than an inch from my face. But it works better than viagra. You ask my wife! She still wasn’t surprised though. I was in prison for 4 years for molesting the neighbours’ cats, so she knows the way I am.

And even then the cats knew what I was going to do as I had to protect their health and safety risks – not to mention my own – by showing them an RSPCA DVD and a C90 explaining the risks of Cat Aids before I could proceed.

I tell you, life is no longer full of surprises. This government needs to get it sorted out, but no: they’re too busy stuffing their faces with genetically-recreated dodos at the taxpayers’ expense. What a surprise. I don’t think!”

Even Tom Vek, an occasional songs minstrel and proponent of surprises, remarks:

“Every song I make is containing less surprises as listeners are getting more and more familiar and complacent with the vapid surprises I try and foist upon them. Everything is old and done and unsurprising. I can’t just pump the drums up to 11 anymore.

No wonder Tricky got so depressed after Maxinquaye. He did it all on that album back in 1995. Perhaps he killed the surprise. Wouldn’t surprise me. No wonder he kicked a pigeon into a shop window. The pigeon saw it coming as its guts splattered across the front of Superdrug. No surprises there.

This comes despite the 11 year gap I’ve left in between this album and the album before it; my so-called fans weren’t surprised I’d faded into profound obscurity. Unsurprisingly forgotten, just like all humans before me and yet to come (and then die).

Yet still my so-called fans weren’t surprised when I made a comeback after surprising them by taking a job at Blockbuster Video – in the Adult section, as a customer fluffer – for the best part of 2 decades to fund my return to indie microfame.”

The Association of Chief Police Officers were warning citizens today that as a result of the dramatic reduction of surprises, that they ought not to be too blasé to criminal acts. Chief PC Plod stated:

“Citizens must at least act surprised so as to emphasise how awful everything is these days, as opposed to acting cynically unsurprised.

I mean, yes, sure, this country has become humdrum, pointless and a waste of landfill opportunity. Nevertheless there are-”

…unfortunately at this point Chief PC Plod broke off his sentence and bit into a cyanide capsule. Unsurprisingly he couldn’t see the f*cking point any more.

Existentially, Chief PC Plod bit off more than he could chew. Surprising. Not.