Oh Cheers: Would you like another roast?

Lizzie Roper: F*ck off. Maybe a pudding.

OC: I had roast pork last week. They wrapped it in bacon, stuffed it, and served it with a wedge of great crackling.

LR: Mm, crackling. Good crackling. I was a vegetarian for twenty years and I came off the wagon a year ago, eighteen months ago and I’m F*CKING loving my meat. I’ve eaten about twenty years’ worth of meat. And roasts are just this Mecca of COME ON.

It was charcuterie that got me off the wagon. All that salami and pastrami.

I felt terribly naughty for a while and now I’m just relishing. I was like, look, I gave it twenty years; I’ve got twenty years on my side, of putting that in the bank. F*cking give me Mister Piggie.

Get in.

I love cooking it. I love cooking anyway. But cooking meat is a different sort of discipline. And finding out how to do it well… great. Do you cook?

OC: I have about four dishes that I do. Chicken, anything with pasta, chilli. Green Thai curry! Coconut goes with anything. I’d have that with cornflakes.

LR: Love that.

OC: Got a bit of a confession. I bathed in that stuff the other night. Coconut.

LR: What? How?

OC: I bought, from Asda, a crate of twelve tins of coconut milk. I did it when I got into the Thai cooking. Thought it’d be cheaper. But it was shit coconut milk. Not as good as the stuff you pay a bit more for.

LR: F*cking Asda.

OC: So I had a great big stack of it in the cupboard. I thought, “Can’t throw this away. I’m gonna bath in it.” So I literally poured it in the bath. I was lying in this white bath!

LR: THAT is brilliant.

OC: It is brilliant. It WAS brilliant.

LR: Did you notice you were notably smoother after?

OC: I did briefly, yeah. I just felt like a king, lying in a bath of coconut milk.

LR: WOW. I am so impressed.

OC: So, for twelve-times-seventy-four-pence, you could feel like a king.

LR: That’s half a tub of expensive bath oils, that’s nothing.

OC: Well, there you go. I never buy bath oils.

LR: I think you should write to those handy tips magazine things. I have a thing about big creamy puddings. The thing about fresh cream puddings is that they’re not going to last. It started at my girlfriend’s birthday party, she had this F*CKING HUGE cake, covered in fresh cream, and no matter if anybody in the room had eaten a slice and seconds, there was no way this cake was going to go. And you knew by the next morning that it was all going to be sour. And I just said, “[FRIEND], please, please, please promise me that in the morning you will pull your pants down and sit in this cake.” And ever since then, if there is a surface of food that might go off, I like to sit in it. Is that wrong?

OC: Yes, I think it is. Yes.

LR: I like to think I’m doing my bit.

OC: Some foods lend themselves to others don’t they?

LR: F*ck yeah. Well, [FRIEND] was having one of these birthday parties at my house. Everyone was invited. Everyone had to bring a dish. And [FRIEND] is very good friends with Sarah Beeny. Sarah Beeny turned up with this F*CKING HUGE plate of salmon mousse. Delicious. But again, it wasn’t going to last. So the next morning, I got up, and in this detritus of madness, I stood up, pulled my pants down, and sat in Beeny’s mousse.

OC: I’m never going to be able to see Sarah Beeny on telly again without thinking of you sitting in her mousse.

LR: She’s a good girl. I gave her the plate back. I washed it.

OC: We have this thing at work, called “Foods of the World Day” and we all have to bring in a dish, home-cooked preferably, based on where you’re from. There’s quite a lot of Indian people in the office. And they put us to shame. They bring these amazing spices and curries; a spread of dishes that you’d be happy to get in a restaurant.

LR: What do you bring in?

OC: Wiltshire cheese. Wiltshire ham. Pretty uninspired stuff.

LR: You’re a Wiltshire boy?

OC: Certainly am. Born in Bath. Grew up in Warminster.

LR: Bath’s beautiful. Oh my God.

OC: It’s nice, but… when you’ve lived in London, it does seem a bit pedestrian.  It does seem a bit too nice. What were we saying before I derailed?

LR: I don’t know.

OC: I forget where we were now. Keep thinking of you sitting in a flan. Oh yeah. “Foods of the World Day” at work. My supervisor was queuing to get stuff, and the whole office is queuing behind me, because my supervisor is taking ages, picking over each dish. We were all getting hungry. I said to my mate: [CENSORED].

[LOLs all round]

That went down a treat. Mm great Yorkshires.

LR: You know I’m the face of [BRAND] Yorkshire Puddings?

OC: You’re the what?

LR: The FACE of [BRAND] Yorkshire Puddings.

OC: No, I didn’t know that.

LR: You know the advert with the two old ladies in the tree?

OC: [CAUTIOUSLY] Yeah…

LR: I’m the one with grey hair.

OC: [UNSURE] Really?

LR: Been going for three years!

OC: [QUIETLY] Crikey.

LR: Oh yeah. And occasionally people Twitter about that and I have to ask them to take it down, because suddenly I’m in a world of corporate madness. I’m just SO DISGUSTING on Twitter. Wouldn’t necessarily sit well with [BRAND] customers. Not good.

OC: No, they don’t like that, [BRAND].