Seriously though I think the keyword “escapism” in these misery-strewn, riot-inflicted, hyphen-bothered times is appropriate in the tragic days following dear Maggie’s demise.

Seriously seriously, this is the  Guardian. Can’t they just be happy the witch is dead? Dingdong and all that?

There’s been some cracking bollocks in the Mail over recent days. A biker hate-tweet sergeant has had his knackers extracted for daring to undermine the now-deceased Dear Leader.

Meanwhile, the Telegraph has been heralding the triumph of the service industries we all work in now and how sitting on one’s arse poncing on the internet using Facegurgle and Twitburp all day makes us better people compared to our forefathers who pummelled coal till their mine imploded leaving the family destitute and dossed into a workhouse, hammering eggs out of battery hens whose beaks were sawn off.

Presuming you can GET a  job of course (shh whisper it, or else SILENCE THE HERETICAL INFIDELS).

Good old Maggie. Good old Maggie! CHANT IT.

Coming soon: Sonic Astronic remix of Blackhackr’s Absolute Admission of Futility in Thatcher

1. What is Blackhackr?

Like most modern music, Blackhackr is best described in terms of a recipe.

• Take three to four living humans. It’s important they start off alive for this recipe. Discard any deceased humans you may have picked up inadvertently when foraging. Dead humans are no good. They taste bitter and will spoil the whole dish.
• Simmer the humans with the rhythm mechanics of world music and the darkest honesty of blues and folk until intensely grainy. When ready, they should resemble an Oxo cube made of charred flesh and granite.
• It is essential at this point to offset the acridity of Blackhackr with a powerfully gentle aromatic herb. Grate the seeds of the Mescal Bean Tree into the mix at this point.
• Crumble the residual grimey mixture into the reanimated, ever-living corpse of rock ‘n’ roll. Watch the corpse’s eyes. The corpse will understand. But! Don’t make eye contact!
• Find a number of power sockets for the humans, which are hopefully still living, despite their traumatic ordeal. Note that Blackhackr usually need about 7 power sockets to make all the equipment work.
• Stand back. Stand well back.
• Listen. With ears.

2. Why is there a Blackhackr? What makes Blackhackr essential?

Moving away from the recipe metaphor, Blackhackr make music that is an unholy juxtaposition of electronic sounds.

Blachcrackr range all the way from decades-old uncleared samples, massive ‘90s electro-synth, surf rock guitar whilst somehow squeezing in something resembling a new wave rhythm section.

In laymen’s terms, Blackhackr are an expansive-sounding electro-rock (indietronic) band.

Simpler still, one could compare Blackhackr to various bands from the ‘60s, ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, even the noughties. Blackhackr definines the ‘10s:

• Post-rock histrionic guitar work? Yeah!
• Zooming, booming post-punk distorted bass melodies? You bet!
• Brave-but-beautiful world music drum loops, deep boom kicks and live percussion? Come on!

Edgily pop friendly yet somewhat progressive. Rather considered. They like to read. Blackhackr feel like they know what they’re doing. Of course, in the music business, knowing what you’re doing is technically impossible so none of us believe blackhackr.

3. Why do I keep seeing the word Blackhackr? Is it a typo? Did they drop the ‘e’ on purpose?

Sometimes dropping an ‘e’ is essential to appreciate the wider picture of reality. Or obscure it.

4. Are Blackhackr going to be huge?

What, like fill stadiums?

The Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury?

It’s already written in the stars.

5. What else are Blackhackr working on?

Fortunately, due to their independence and the trust placed in them by Futureproof Records, they have a few other projects in the offing:

• graphic novel
• novelty number 1 pop single
• road movie
• cookbook
• easter egg

Beak says:

“I mega cannot wait for this meeting.”

MDMA is what Beak likes best about his job

Edna is here today to list what she actually does and throws down a challenge for a similarly public declarations from other ohcheers.com contributors.

1.  Edna apparently works in IT for a big company.  Apparently Edna works in IT for a big company because once upon a time she worked with fixing computery problems.  Edna now answers emails from many other email answering/sending people around the company.   Edna spends time belittling others.

2.  Edna works from home a lot,  she probably does not realise how good she has it,  she is not Gen Y but certainly expects that working from home for everyone is the normal thing for everyone to expect.

3.  Edna probably does not really know how good she has it,  or suspects that to be the case.  Today, being a working from home day,  Edna decided to vague out a bit,  have a bit of a sleep for lunch,  answered a lot of emails at 6am,   watered some vegetables, and  answered some more emails etc.  This forms a standard routine for Edna.

4.  Edna complains a lot.

5.  Edna sits in fear of the inevitable redundancy call from HR,  how would Edna ever be able to better this career?   Edna (probably) secretly hopes that she continues to plod in this sedentary life until her superannuation grows to a point that she can retire and do less,  or perhaps do more.

6.  Edna tries to come up with things to write for OC during her working day – a little like this really.

7. Edna wishes the other ohcheers.com contributors would stop dicking around with their post-Pitchfork proclivities and tell her what THEY think they’re doing.

A real name. Does he whirl?

that DUCK

(sp – is ok)

It’s the artist, the great outsider:
…………….don’t have to be gay to be feel queer.

Self-portrait rendered Rembrandt inert
…………yet commercially fashionable

Education ain’t erudition So
Don’t lecture me
……..with your -
Toodle pip.

(get fkd pl now regds)

“No one cares.”
When realise this,
….is great weight lifted?

Anedotal Story from a dinner 2 nights ago!

When RBS took over Nat West some 12 years, all the “assets” at Nat West main office were “valued”.

The wine “cellar” was valued at £50,000

Fred the Shred thought it a good idea and instructed all the wine to be shipped to Edinburgh (his home address?)

Upon arrival, the wine was again “valued”. This time at £500,000

I have no idea if this story is true. But it came from a most reliable source and was repeated in front of a former Nat West main Board Director, who, being utterly honest and a man of great integrity, shook his head and hung it in shame so low I thought it had reached his waist.

Don’t we all love these stories? Ignoring the “values” in this case, the story has that horrible ring of certain truth! Oh what terrible damage have these awful people done to the City?

That’s the ohcheers.com manifesto.

The ohcheers.com blog is soon to enter its 158th year of operation. It has not done too badly, but we want more. Our page views continue to grow. 5000 at last count. Pity the pigeons.

It’s not been entirely clear, however, what ohcheers.com is about, what its writers are trying to say (or what they want), and what it all means, other than espousing and emphasising the meaninglessness of it all. Such is the wilful impact of telling you what not to think, or to paraphrase Orwell: you need to use doublethink to understand doublethink.

Here, therefore, are 5 THINGS which the Main Protagonist seeks to achieve throughout 2013. He lists sub-THINGS hereunder. This is Cosmic Ordering, so the Cosmos had better provide, or else the Cosmos gets it*.

1. Writing
(i) pretentious and self-conscious poetical lyrics (haikus have been popular – I’m available for $$$)
(ii) development of PR and journalistic technique (I’m available for $$$ or else persuade me to contribute charitably)
(iii) inane whimsy on ohcheers.com, which serves as our media outlet for our profound ideas, such as:

• interviewing interesting people, like what we did what with Lizzie Roper, the face of Aunt Bessie Roast Potatoes. Jim Campbell never got back to us on whether he’d like an interview. We’re not pushy, so won’t ask again, but he’s free to get in touch when he’s ready for the exposure.
• radical image juxtapositions and ‘free art’
• stuff published in Viz for $$$
• stuff published in Viz
• stuff published

2. Sonic Astronic / Blackhacker
(i) EP & album – hopefully released and distributed by a certain proposed agency
(ii) gigs & interviews to support released material, build the Blackhacker brand and make a name for ourselves as a band
(iii) some really cool live sessions, like BBC 6 Music, and certain suggested cunningly cultural venues [cannot disclose at time of writing]

3. Bass Guitar
(i) daily practice: at least 30 minutes, aiming for 2 hours
(ii) weekly recording session: use a day a week to record improvisation from a practice session
(iii) gigs & interviews to build name as bassist, in accordance with point #2 above

4. Audio Software
(i) develop the hundreds of Apple Logic projects started which are incomplete
(ii) apply vocal lines to the projects, in accordance with point #1 above
(iii) apply bass lines to the projects, in accordance with point #3 above
(iv) complete the better tracks and release them somewhere, e.g. Soundcloud for starters, but ideally with the help of a third party music business participant

5. Stands Ups
(i) noting that a couple of experimental efforts have occurred…
(ii) dinner parties are the best source of material
(iii) have more dinner parties
(iv) use dinner parties to source material
(v) use material at open mic nights to test out material and get experience
(vi) have DNA sample taken against will, subsequent to arrest by police for pushing act too far
(vii) struggle to remain friends with dinner party guests

VI. Income
(i) [NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT APPLIES]
(ii) DJ on BBC 6 Music
(iii) write for $$$

Good luck to ohcheers.com and its participants in 2013!

*serious point: what happens if you put it to the Cosmos that you want the Cosmos to go away? If consciousness is required to facilitate wave function collapse and thus enact the construction of reality, then all we need to do is to block off the senses of all conscious creatures to annihilate the universe.