Oh Cheers

BBC 6 (Music) Of The Best

Oh Cheers — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:00:41 +0000

Anyone who actually reads the irrelevant dross published on this website might be aware that a character who only semi-pretentiously named himself as The Main Protagonist – well, aren’t we all the main protagonist in the story of our own lives? – has a chance of being conscious of his, or, er, my love for radio, music and in particular the best radio station on the planet: BBC Radio 6 Music.

And 6 Music is ten years old. I only started listening to 6 in 2003, when my employer (coincidentally the BBC) happened to permit me to listen to it whilst working.

I had neither a DAB radio of my own, nor broadband internet. It was a different era. It was like the 1950s of the Internet compared to now. Social media hadn’t been invented. There was no Facebook or Twitter.

As a recent graduate of an arts-based degree I wasn’t hugely employable, so whilst I was working at the BBC, it was in the highly confidential and sensitive “Scanning Room”, document managing high profile employee paperwork and seeing all sorts of naughtiness.

My favourite memory perhaps being the opportunity to read about a disciplinary for one member of staff who’d been having an affair with another and doing all sorts of sneaky, saucy, kinky devilry whilst in the office/studio. Names are forgotten so the Data Protection Act is null and void in writing this. I think. I hope.

I’d always adored music and had been rather fond of radio for years. I loved John Peel’s shows. I never knew I’d get the chance to hear an entire radio station inspired by his ethos of openness, going mostly against the grain of commerciality.

Vic McGlynn‘s afternoon show was a revelation. Hearing Daft Punk Is Playing In My House for the first time was a glimpse into genius. An indie punk rock band playing dance music about a dance band playing at their house. Which also SOUNDS as if it’s a live band playing Daft Punk.

Unfortunately a lot of our time working in our jobs at the BBC was spent “on standby” as opposed to doing actual “stuff”, so we were told to listen to the radio and watch telly and generally chat to kill time. We weren’t allowed out of the Scanning Room. We were guards of the dark information, in a dark place. No windows. Literally no windows.

As for us BBC scanners – myself, Vanessa and Bonnie (later of Electricity In Our Homes infamy) – we became fast friends before the management realised how much money they could save by selling off the entire HR dept to a third party, albeit a third party which would run it really quite terribly (Capita, aka BBC HR Direct), and thus give the management lovely big bonuses to buy big houses in Holland Park and Notting Hill.

6 Music is very much a part of this writer’s present, and remains one aspect of the BBC he adores. And so he felt compelled to respond to this challenge:

As part of 6 Music’s Birthday celebrations we want to hear 6 Of The Best from you.

Just select six songs that most represent 6 Music to you by filling out the form below.

You’ll be able to hear a different listeners’ selection each week on the Liz Kershaw show on Saturdays, 13:00-16:00. We’ll also be compiling a chart of all the entries that are sent in.

I’ve replied. I bit on the bait. Here’s my first of the 6:

Guillemots – Made Up Love Song #43
The wife and I played this at our wedding for the first dance. Our Auntie Pam in a broad Manchester accent is on video yelling, “WHAT THE BLOOMIN’ HECK IS THIS?” in response to the wonky Hammond intro to which my newlywed wife and I did a close dance. We pulled some delightful dancey twirls out of the bag in the song’s climactic second part, much to the surprised cheers of onlookers who hitherto had only ever seen me raving sketchily in muddy fields.

Can you resist a few dancey twirls, dear reader?

Sonic Astronic

Oh Cheers — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:27:50 +0000

If you’re available in London this Saturday, 28th January, 2012, the Main Protagonist has a cheeky little recommendation if you fancy a GIG:

Sonic Astronic meld electronic soundscapes and live humans.

It’s been suggested they sound like Four Tet – albeit with Mick Jagger on vocals, Hooky on bass, and with a world music percussion section.

Sonic Astronic bathe their audience in audio: shimmering guitars; delicate but intense hypnotic rhythms; a fusion of electronica, earthy beats, tremendous crescendos and tender moments.

GET HERE. LISTEN HEAR.

TOWER TAVERN – Saturday 28th January – 8pm

Very near the BT tower.

21 Clipstone Street, W1W 6BA

Warren St / Goodge St tubes

CLICK HERE TO VISIT FACEBOOK EVENT PAGE, HERE. OR HERE. TAKE CARE TO HEAR.

Shortfall Discovered in Bank’s Annual Report; Kids Cancer Charity Funds “Re-Invested”

ednamakepeace — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:37:05 +0000

Edna returns with another glimpse into her corporate life.

EDITOR’S COMMENT: Trust the BANKERS to rip-off an honesty box to the tune of a hundred and sixty dollars!

Never let it be said that bankers don’t deserve their massive pay and bonuses. They are extremely hard working and accountable. And ethical. And clever. And cunning. And brilliant.

And as part of their oh-so-busy schedule, bankers also find time to “borrow” from poor, cancer-stricken children. Not to feed their socially-acceptable gambling habits, you understand. Not at all. But to leverage their investments. Yes, to leverage their clever investments from charity funds. What could possibly go wrong?

After all, in death, who needs the money?

As the adage goes, “You can’t take it with you.” Especially poorly children. Particularly poor, poorly children. And they’re used to being poor. And poorly. Why should they have any extra monies?

And the bankers are the new gods. They’re doing God’s work. And God knows they do it well.

So think of the poor bankers at this time, taking this adage to its extreme conclusion:

LAST CHANCE to pay the $160 YOU STOLE - f*cking thieving bankers

It’s tough times in Big Finance. Got to look after number one. Just like American Psycho.

Edna might be naive, but she always thought that banks were supposed to lend money?

No wonder nobody understands the economy these days.

Better keep coughing up those tax quids to keep it all propped up and plump like a big fat goose that defecates infinite golden eggs for the Illuminati, whilst puking into the taxpayer’s hungrily open lips.

Edna is feeling edgily satirical today.

This post is helping nobody.

Least of all Edna.

Lizzie Roper Interview: Part 2

Oh Cheers — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 21:19:28 +0000

Lizzie Roper sees Twitter as the dwarf in her cupboard

SUNDAY ROAST. Isn’t it delicious? We were midway through our roast dinner and it was made all the more scrumptious by the company of the highly entertaining naughty schoolgirl of Yorkshire puddings, Lizzie Roper, as we continue to discuss Sarah Beeny’s salmon mousse, fingerbanging and Twitter.

Oh Cheers: I can’t believe you put your bottom in Sarah Beeny’s flan.

Lizzie Roper: FISH MOUSSE! Get it right.

OC: I did read you once tried to encourage someone to put their arse in their birthday cake.

LR: Exactly! I’m always trying to encourage people to put their arse in their birthday cake.

OC: If only I’d’ve done that last night, with my friend’s thirtieth. But… she’s not exactly flamboyant. Bit normal and nice.

LR: It would’ve made a woman of her. It would have made her thirties.

OC: It would have made the cake special. Going back to the inspiration for the interview – your tweet that used the word “fingerbang” – can you tell us what fingerbanging is, exactly?

LR: You know what fingerbanging is!

OC: I wanna know what YOU think fingerbanging is.

LR: It’s when a gentleman gently – or viciously – inserts a finger up a lady’s loo-la.

OC: Loo-la?

LR: Yeah. Making sweet, sweet love, around about the ages of sixteen, mainly. Fingerbanging is very important when you’re a teenager.

OC: So does it stop at a certain age?

LR: No! No. No, it shouldn’t. But it moves from the main menu to the hors d’oeuvres by the time you’re thirty, doesn’t it? Whereas when you’re young that’s like WA-HEY! “Did he finger you? Did finger you? Did you get fingered?” You know it’s very important; it’s a rite of passage. I went to a private girls school, so we would have discos with private boys schools.

We’re interrupted as the pub owner comes to take plates; offer us apple crumble; take feedback on the roast dinner component of roast beetroot.

Lizzie: “The beetroot was delicious and there were heaves. Full of antioxidants.”
Pub owner: “It’s an acquired taste.“
Oh Cheers: “Didn’t like the beetroot. Another Yorkshire pudding next time, pal.”
Pub owner: “If you mention that next time then I’ll do it for you.”

LR: They’re the new owners. They’re all excited. It’s a new thing. Been open 2 weeks. Minor refurb. No dartboards. No TV sets. I like it. I like my places empty! You give me an empty dancefloor I’m a very happy girl. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like PEOPLE. F*ck people. F*ck right off.

OC: Well, don’t live in London!

LR: I AM a Londoner. I was here first. YOU piss off.

OC: Oh I see, it’s people like ME, ruining it for the rest of you. So, one of my questions was: “is this a persona?”

LR: Um…

OC: How much of this is an act?

LR: As I say, when I’m defending Twitter, I say, “Twitter is my toilet. Twitter is where the bad stuff goes.” I don’t have a partner to whom I can say, “oh for f*ck’s sake, meh meh meh meh.” I DO have this little thing in my pocket where I can go .

OC: How do I spell that?

LR: It’s up to you. I really like the brevity of Twitter. I like that there’s only 140 characters. What can you express in 140 characters? Can you be funny in 140 characters?

OC: The strictness, yeah, it focuses the mind. Structure and order. We need more structure and order in this country. Or do we? No we don’t.

LR: I didn’t realise how f*cking vile I am on Twitter, until –

OC: Until?

LR: Well… Twitter is the dwarf that lives in the cupboard, and I can go . I’m there everyday. I re-read my tweets and I see how vile I am. I’m appalled by myself. I’m not impressed. I would take myself outside and smack me. But people keep coming back. They keep wanting more. Maybe I’m Nick O’ Teen, giving the people what they don’t NEED, but what they want. I’m disgusting. I’m a very nice person, but there’s a dark side of me and that goes in there. So, is it a persona? It’s a tangent for me, I suppose.

OC: So it’s sort of just you, isn’t it?

LR: It is me.

OC: Just all the different sides.

LR: And I’m very lucky. I don’t work in a corporate world. My world is acting and voiceovers. I don’t have to be normal and good.

OC: That’s the point isn’t it? You’re not conforming.

LR: That’s my USP: I’m a bit wild and loud-mouthed and rude. And then it gets me in trouble when I go too far. Because I did think Twitter was a dwarf in the cupboard. It turned out it’s a dwarf with a megaphone, that is screaming to the whole world.

OC: And the people who follow you tend to go, “look at this everybody, isn’t it brilliant?” They retweet you, and you’re f*cked.

LR: But I love it.

OC: Good. So what did you do BEFORE Twitter?

LR: I used to have sex with men. I had boyfriends. It was brilliant.

OC: Real stuff. Who needs real stuff anymore?

LR: Real stuff. No, before Twitter… was there life before Twitter? Yeah. No. You know, we’ve gone from living in a family with one phone in the hallway, and your dad’s screaming at you – “IT’S BEFORE 6 O’ CLOCK” – to this ridiculous, over-indulged state of communication.

OC: I liked that on your email signature, it says:

Sent from my iPhone. Just like every other fanny on this bus.

OC: So on every email, it has that on the end?

LR: Yes.

OC: That’s what I notice on the train. You see so many people using phones. Tweeting. Twittering. Texting. Facebooking. Facehugging. There are idiots though who just use social networking for slanging matches. No need for that.

LR: I was told that blocking someone on Twitter is like walking away from a drunk at a party. And as soon as someone steps out of line, or is a bit weird, or is a bit boring: block, block, block, block, block. Twitter brings me so much joy, so why would I get involved in the shit side?

OC: And does it feed into your constructive creativity?

LR: I think it really does. Because I don’t do standup anymore, Twitter is a place where I can put out something that’s funny or quirky and I can see, “tee-hee-hee I’ve been retweeted!”

OC: So as a follow-up, what do you think of TWIDIOTS like us, who contact you out of the blue and say, “hey, you know what, let’s have an interview?”

LR: I love it. I’ve met other people on Twitter. There’s a brilliant guy called Newsagent Provocateur. Look up his videos. What I do find quite freaky – well, I love being flirty on the Twitter, and I am single – is that on two separate occasions I’ve been asked out by chaps for a drink. I love that they know what they’re gonna get: I don’t have to pretend I don’t know what a swearword is. But I’ve met up with these guys and I’ve discovered that they have girlfriends. So I’m like:

What did you think I was looking for? I have friends. I don’t need friends. What I need is some OTHER SORT of liaison, and I don’t think your girlfriend would appreciate you meeting up with a random girl from Twitter.

LR: My greatest Twitter conquest, when I was doing Betwixt (the musical), which I loved, but I did write a random tweet one day saying:

F*cking hell. I’m so busy I haven’t had a wank in a week.

LR: This guy replied saying, “it sounds like you need one of these.” And it was a link to a £110 vibrator on an adult sex toy site. He was the marketing director and he sent me one. 3 days later, I had a £110 vibrator in my hand. Turns out he’s the most adorable man. He’s a homosexual. There’s nothing threatening. Nothing kinky. Nothing weird. And I… got a £110 vibrator.

OC: Are you disappointed he was gay? He sounds like a nice guy.

LR: Well. I’m awful. I love the gays. I have a huge collection of gays. But we’re back to fingerbanging again.

OC: All roads lead back to fingerbanging. The most primal urge.

STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER LIZZIE ROPER HIGHLIGHTS.

WE JUST DON’T KNOW WHEN THIS IS GOING TO END.

AND NOR DO YOU.

Can you help Beak’s colleague?

Oh Cheers — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 11:29:11 +0000

Lost Property

Beak spotted the above post-it note in his office kitchen.

He wants to tell Sarah he’s having a good look. A very good look.

And a sniff.

Why the sniff?

Why d’ya think he’s called Beak?

Sniffy Sniff Sniff

David Attenborough has something to say…

Oh Cheers — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:54:32 +0000

“And here we see the uncommon granglehuff, its biological genus Psycho ignoramus, shuffle around in its imitably miserable manner. See how it bemoans its lot in life whilst snidily attempting to make others feel bad about themselves just to make itself feel better. The granglehuff is well-known for always being correct in its views, even when it contradicts itself, an astounding feat it achieves in even the shortest of conversations, to the bemused confusion of those unfortunate enough to converse with it. As such, the granglehuff is an isolating and isolatory creature, perhaps confounding to some in its purpose of existence, yet it enjoys a symbiotic economic relationship with fringe entertainment providers and body-vandalists.”

Trick or Treat?

Oh Cheers — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:30:20 +0000

Trick or Treat?

Halloween. Don’t get it.

Makes me… want to… trick the kids trying to trick me.

Who’s tricky now, eh?

HI KIDS. Meet friendly Mr Bosh Drill.

nnnnnyyyyyng nyng nyng nyng

Lizzie Roper Interview: Part 1 of Many

Oh Cheers — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 22:35:54 +0000

Lizzie responds engagingly to our questions

The Oh Cheers team chats with self-proclaimed “jobbing actor” Lizzie Roper over a delicious roast dinner in a delightful Islington pub. Or does she interview us?

You decide.

Go on: decide. DECIDE.

Have you decided yet?

Perhaps you should read the article before you decide.

Have you no manners?

This interview is the first part in a series of however many parts it takes to make sense of an afternoon of strictly Perrier*-fuelled chat…

Oh Cheers: Would you like another roast?

Lizzie Roper: F*ck off. Maybe a pudding.

OC: I had roast pork last week. They wrapped it in bacon, stuffed it, and served it with a wedge of great crackling.

LR: Mm, crackling. Good crackling. I was a vegetarian for twenty years and I came off the wagon a year ago, eighteen months ago and I’m F*CKING loving my meat. I’ve eaten about twenty years’ worth of meat. And roasts are just this Mecca of COME ON.

It was charcuterie that got me off the wagon. All that salami and pastrami.

I felt terribly naughty for a while and now I’m just relishing. I was like, look, I gave it twenty years; I’ve got twenty years on my side, of putting that in the bank. F*cking give me Mister Piggie.

Get in.

I love cooking it. I love cooking anyway. But cooking meat is a different sort of discipline. And finding out how to do it well… great. Do you cook?

OC: I have about four dishes that I do. Chicken, anything with pasta, chilli. Green Thai curry! Coconut goes with anything. I’d have that with cornflakes.

LR: Love that.

OC: Got a bit of a confession. I bathed in that stuff the other night. Coconut.

LR: What? How?

OC: I bought, from Asda, a crate of twelve tins of coconut milk. I did it when I got into the Thai cooking. Thought it’d be cheaper. But it was shit coconut milk. Not as good as the stuff you pay a bit more for.

LR: F*cking Asda.

OC: So I had a great big stack of it in the cupboard. I thought, “Can’t throw this away. I’m gonna bath in it.” So I literally poured it in the bath. I was lying in this white bath!

LR: THAT is brilliant.

OC: It is brilliant. It WAS brilliant.

LR: Did you notice you were notably smoother after?

OC: I did briefly, yeah. I just felt like a king, lying in a bath of coconut milk.

LR: WOW. I am so impressed.

OC: So, for twelve-times-seventy-four-pence, you could feel like a king.

LR: That’s half a tub of expensive bath oils, that’s nothing.

OC: Well, there you go. I never buy bath oils.

LR: I think you should write to those handy tips magazine things. I have a thing about big creamy puddings. The thing about fresh cream puddings is that they’re not going to last. It started at my girlfriend’s birthday party, she had this F*CKING HUGE cake, covered in fresh cream, and no matter if anybody in the room had eaten a slice and seconds, there was no way this cake was going to go. And you knew by the next morning that it was all going to be sour. And I just said, “[FRIEND], please, please, please promise me that in the morning you will pull your pants down and sit in this cake.” And ever since then, if there is a surface of food that might go off, I like to sit in it. Is that wrong?

OC: Yes, I think it is. Yes.

LR: I like to think I’m doing my bit.

OC: Some foods lend themselves to others don’t they?

LR: F*ck yeah. Well, [FRIEND] was having one of these birthday parties at my house. Everyone was invited. Everyone had to bring a dish. And [FRIEND] is very good friends with Sarah Beeny. Sarah Beeny turned up with this F*CKING HUGE plate of salmon mousse. Delicious. But again, it wasn’t going to last. So the next morning, I got up, and in this detritus of madness, I stood up, pulled my pants down, and sat in Beeny’s mousse.

OC: I’m never going to be able to see Sarah Beeny on telly again without thinking of you sitting in her mousse.

LR: She’s a good girl. I gave her the plate back. I washed it.

OC: We have this thing at work, called “Foods of the World Day” and we all have to bring in a dish, home-cooked preferably, based on where you’re from. There’s quite a lot of Indian people in the office. And they put us to shame. They bring these amazing spices and curries; a spread of dishes that you’d be happy to get in a restaurant.

LR: What do you bring in?

OC: Wiltshire cheese. Wiltshire ham. Pretty uninspired stuff.

LR: You’re a Wiltshire boy?

OC: Certainly am. Born in Bath. Grew up in Warminster.

LR: Bath’s beautiful. Oh my God.

OC: It’s nice, but… when you’ve lived in London, it does seem a bit pedestrian. It does seem a bit too nice. What were we saying before I derailed?

LR: I don’t know.

OC: I forget where we were now. Keep thinking of you sitting in a flan. Oh yeah. “Foods of the World Day” at work. My supervisor was queuing to get stuff, and the whole office is queuing behind me, because my supervisor is taking ages, picking over each dish. We were all getting hungry. I said to my mate: [CENSORED].

[LOLs all round]

That went down a treat. Mm great Yorkshires.

LR: You know I’m the face of [BRAND] Yorkshire Puddings?

OC: You’re the what?

LR: The FACE of [BRAND] Yorkshire Puddings.

OC: No, I didn’t know that.

LR: You know the advert with the two old ladies in the tree?

OC: [CAUTIOUSLY] Yeah…

LR: I’m the one with grey hair.

OC: [UNSURE] Really?

LR: Been going for three years!

OC: [QUIETLY] Crikey.

LR: Oh yeah. And occasionally people Twitter about that and I have to ask them to take it down, because suddenly I’m in a world of corporate madness. I’m just SO DISGUSTING on Twitter. Wouldn’t necessarily sit well with [BRAND] customers. Not good.

OC: No, they don’t like that, [BRAND].

NEXT PART OF THE OHCHEERS.COM INTERVIEW WITH LIZZIE ROPER COMING SOON.

WATCH THIS SPACE. ARE YOU WATCHING IT?

WATCH.

–

*Perrier. Remember? Sparkling water of simple hope and goodness. And sophistication. And smugness. And Frenchitudinals.

This is a Siri-us matter. Seriously.

ednamakepeace — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 10:08:19 +0000

Edna returns with some tech commentary whilst enjoying a 2$ (yes, two Aussie dollar) chardonnay.

I could not help but feel excited by the iPhone 4S business. After being so shocked by the younglings at uni I decided to indulgence in a 4.

This is what the iPhone 4 looks like in Australia.

Don’t get me wrong, I reckon that the whole 4S Siri stuff is a great idea. I could just struggle words into my phone and a pack of minced cat might turn up for my doggies.

Cat mince - the name suggests feeding time ain't the last you see of it.

But I always suspected the script would run like this for us Antipodeans:

Edna: SIRI, please post this to ohcheers.com.

SIRI: I can’t understand you. Are you speaking Australian?

Enda: Yes.

SIRI: That Australian twanginess is an ear-scraping tonal delight. You have the voice of an angel, but I can’t help you at all… G’day. Ripper.

What do you MEAN you don't understand "pub", Siri?

Business Ripoff

Oh Cheers — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 13:14:17 +0000

p1ss analysis

New Beak: I gave away my killer app idea in Amsterdam to some clown from a rival company
Main Protagonist: what was your killer app idea?
New Beak: p1ss analysis
MP: ah, I recall
New Beak: I told you too??!
New Beak: (who haven’t I told?)
MP: http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/07/found_restroom/
New Beak: grrr
MP: you must have told a journalist; an American journalist; or at least a journalist who writes for an American magazine. How about if I do an OC post saying Wired ripped off this idea from New New Beak?
New Beak: this fvcking cvntry
New Beak: if it makes you happy
New Beak: if you find it fulfilling
New Beak: if you want
New Beak: where did you get this tea? It’s delightful
MP: it’s yak urine, boiled, with a dash of cilantro for colour
New Beak: cilantroh cheers