Lizzie Roper sees Twitter as the dwarf in her cupboard

SUNDAY ROAST. Isn’t it delicious? We were midway through our roast dinner and it was made all the more scrumptious by the company of the highly entertaining naughty schoolgirl of Yorkshire puddings, Lizzie Roper, as we continue to discuss Sarah Beeny’s salmon mousse, fingerbanging and Twitter.

Oh Cheers: I can’t believe you put your bottom in Sarah Beeny’s flan.

Lizzie Roper: FISH MOUSSE! Get it right.

OC: I did read you once tried to encourage someone to put their arse in their birthday cake.

LR: Exactly! I’m always trying to encourage people to put their arse in their birthday cake.

OC: If only I’d’ve done that last night, with my friend’s thirtieth. But… she’s not exactly flamboyant. Bit normal and nice.

LR: It would’ve made a woman of her. It would have made her thirties.

OC: It would have made the cake special. Going back to the inspiration for the interview – your tweet that used the word “fingerbang” – can you tell us what fingerbanging is, exactly?

LR: You know what fingerbanging is!

OC: I wanna know what YOU think fingerbanging is.

LR: It’s when a gentleman gently – or viciously – inserts a finger up a lady’s loo-la.

OC: Loo-la?

LR: Yeah. Making sweet, sweet love, around about the ages of sixteen, mainly. Fingerbanging is very important when you’re a teenager.

OC: So does it stop at a certain age?

LR: No! No. No, it shouldn’t. But it moves from the main menu to the hors d’oeuvres by the time you’re thirty, doesn’t it? Whereas when you’re young that’s like WA-HEY! “Did he finger you? Did finger you? Did you get fingered?” You know it’s very important; it’s a rite of passage. I went to a private girls school, so we would have discos with private boys schools.

We’re interrupted as the pub owner comes to take plates; offer us apple crumble; take feedback on the roast dinner component of roast beetroot.

Lizzie: “The beetroot was delicious and there were heaves. Full of antioxidants.”
Pub owner: “It’s an acquired taste.“
Oh Cheers: “Didn’t like the beetroot. Another Yorkshire pudding next time, pal.”
Pub owner: “If you mention that next time then I’ll do it for you.”

LR: They’re the new owners. They’re all excited. It’s a new thing. Been open 2 weeks. Minor refurb. No dartboards. No TV sets. I like it. I like my places empty! You give me an empty dancefloor I’m a very happy girl. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like PEOPLE. F*ck people. F*ck right off.

OC: Well, don’t live in London!

LR: I AM a Londoner. I was here first. YOU piss off.

OC: Oh I see, it’s people like ME, ruining it for the rest of you. So, one of my questions was: “is this a persona?”

LR: Um…

OC: How much of this is an act?

LR: As I say, when I’m defending Twitter, I say, “Twitter is my toilet. Twitter is where the bad stuff goes.” I don’t have a partner to whom I can say, “oh for f*ck’s sake, meh meh meh meh.” I DO have this little thing in my pocket where I can go <makes gremlin noises>.

OC: How do I spell that?

LR: It’s up to you. I really like the brevity of Twitter. I like that there’s only 140 characters. What can you express in 140 characters? Can you be funny in 140 characters?

OC: The strictness, yeah, it focuses the mind. Structure and order. We need more structure and order in this country. Or do we? No we don’t.

LR: I didn’t realise how f*cking vile I am on Twitter, until –

OC: Until?

LR: Well… Twitter is the dwarf that lives in the cupboard, and I can go <makes gremlin noises>. I’m there everyday. I re-read my tweets and I see how vile I am. I’m appalled by myself. I’m not impressed. I would take myself outside and smack me. But people keep coming back. They keep wanting more. Maybe I’m Nick O’ Teen, giving the people what they don’t NEED, but what they want. I’m disgusting. I’m a very nice person, but there’s a dark side of me and that goes in there. So, is it a persona? It’s a tangent for me, I suppose.

OC: So it’s sort of just you, isn’t it?

LR: It is me.

OC: Just all the different sides.

LR: And I’m very lucky. I don’t work in a corporate world. My world is acting and voiceovers. I don’t have to be normal and good.

OC: That’s the point isn’t it? You’re not conforming.

LR: That’s my USP: I’m a bit wild and loud-mouthed and rude. And then it gets me in trouble when I go too far. Because I did think Twitter was a dwarf in the cupboard. It turned out it’s a dwarf with a megaphone, that is screaming to the whole world.

OC: And the people who follow you tend to go, “look at this everybody, isn’t it brilliant?” They retweet you, and you’re f*cked.

LR: But I love it.

OC: Good. So what did you do BEFORE Twitter?

LR: I used to have sex with men. I had boyfriends. It was brilliant.

OC: Real stuff. Who needs real stuff anymore?

LR: Real stuff. No, before Twitter… was there life before Twitter? Yeah. No. You know, we’ve gone from living in a family with one phone in the hallway, and your dad’s screaming at you – “IT’S BEFORE 6 O’ CLOCK” – to this ridiculous, over-indulged state of communication.

OC: I liked that on your email signature, it says:

Sent from my iPhone. Just like every other fanny on this bus.

OC: So on every email, it has that on the end?

LR: Yes.

OC: That’s what I notice on the train. You see so many people using phones. Tweeting. Twittering. Texting. Facebooking. Facehugging. There are idiots though who just use social networking for slanging matches. No need for that.

LR: I was told that blocking someone on Twitter is like walking away from a drunk at a party. And as soon as someone steps out of line, or is a bit weird, or is a bit boring: block, block, block, block, block. Twitter brings me so much joy, so why would I get involved in the shit side?

OC: And does it feed into your constructive creativity?

LR: I think it really does. Because I don’t do standup anymore, Twitter is a place where I can put out something that’s funny or quirky and I can see, “tee-hee-hee I’ve been retweeted!”

OC: So as a follow-up, what do you think of TWIDIOTS like us, who contact you out of the blue and say, “hey, you know what, let’s have an interview?”

LR: I love it. I’ve met other people on Twitter. There’s a brilliant guy called Newsagent Provocateur. Look up his videos. What I do find quite freaky – well, I love being flirty on the Twitter, and I am single – is that on two separate occasions I’ve been asked out by chaps for a drink. I love that they know what they’re gonna get: I don’t have to pretend I don’t know what a swearword is. But I’ve met up with these guys and I’ve discovered that they have girlfriends. So I’m like:

What did you think I was looking for? I have friends. I don’t need friends. What I need is some OTHER SORT of liaison, and I don’t think your girlfriend would appreciate you meeting up with a random girl from Twitter.

LR: My greatest Twitter conquest, when I was doing Betwixt (the musical), which I loved, but I did write a random tweet one day saying:

F*cking hell. I’m so busy I haven’t had a wank in a week.

LR: This guy replied saying, “it sounds like you need one of these.” And it was a link to a £110 vibrator on an adult sex toy site. He was the marketing director and he sent me one. 3 days later, I had a £110 vibrator in my hand. Turns out he’s the most adorable man. He’s a homosexual. There’s nothing threatening. Nothing kinky. Nothing weird. And I… got a £110 vibrator.

OC: Are you disappointed he was gay? He sounds like a nice guy.

LR: Well. I’m awful. I love the gays. I have a huge collection of gays. But we’re back to fingerbanging again.

OC: All roads lead back to fingerbanging. The most primal urge.

STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER LIZZIE ROPER HIGHLIGHTS.

WE JUST DON’T KNOW WHEN THIS IS GOING TO END.

AND NOR DO YOU.