Author Archive

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Edna: Queen of Citrix

February 15, 2013

Edna has often wondered what his partners in crime Main and Beak actually do professionally.

Edna is here today to list what she actually does and throws down a challenge for a similarly public declarations from other ohcheers.com contributors.

1.  Edna apparently works in IT for a big company.  Apparently Edna works in IT for a big company because once upon a time she worked with fixing computery problems.  Edna now answers emails from many other email answering/sending people around the company.   Edna spends time belittling others.

2.  Edna works from home a lot,  she probably does not realise how good she has it,  she is not Gen Y but certainly expects that working from home for everyone is the normal thing for everyone to expect.

3.  Edna probably does not really know how good she has it,  or suspects that to be the case.  Today, being a working from home day,  Edna decided to vague out a bit,  have a bit of a sleep for lunch,  answered a lot of emails at 6am,   watered some vegetables, and  answered some more emails etc.  This forms a standard routine for Edna.

4.  Edna complains a lot.

5.  Edna sits in fear of the inevitable redundancy call from HR,  how would Edna ever be able to better this career?   Edna (probably) secretly hopes that she continues to plod in this sedentary life until her superannuation grows to a point that she can retire and do less,  or perhaps do more.

6.  Edna tries to come up with things to write for OC during her working day – a little like this really.

7. Edna wishes the other ohcheers.com contributors would stop dicking around with their post-Pitchfork proclivities and tell her what THEY think they’re doing.

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Edna Reviews – Stereograms

August 21, 2012

Edna reviews the Magic Eye experience.

Magic Eye - Very much of the 1990s. Just like Star Trek: TNG. Dodgy special effects all around.

CAN YOU SEE THE ROMULANS?

20 long, bitter years Edna has waited to be able to see a magic eye picture mystically swirl into a 3D extravagance.

I recall being a young child and being taunted by my father on a family holiday in Devon.

“Can’t you see the Romulans? It’s amazing! What wrong with you freak? You’re no child of mine.”

Many years passed. Edna grew up… The bitter memories passed and jumbled with other bitterness.

Child

Enda now has a child of her own.

Edna had forgotten the trauma, until this weekend arrived, when the same god forsaken Star Trek magic eye picture was presented.

Seconds

Incredibly, within seconds the purple blogs did NOT swirl into anything special.

But Edna DID see the magic eye Romulans (20 years wait over)!

And what a sodding let down, why did Edna bother? What was Enda bitter for so long for?

Waiting

20 years of waiting, amounted to something that would probably have impressed Edna less 20 years previous. What would have been worse? Knowing how shit it was 20 years ago? Or waiting and not knowing?

Frustratingly, her own daughter had no issues seeing it immediately, she was also unimpressed.

Warping

Edna will have to find another way to warp her daughter for 20 years.

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Climate Change Truth Unleashed

July 3, 2012

Edna reports…

3 days after the Australian federal Government implemented its “price on carbon” (read: carbon tax),  it would seem that climate science academic types are still not getting the message across to the youth – or at least one probable overseas MBA student youth.

that pesky monoxide, pffffffff

Transcribed:

“Global warming is caused by increased level of radioactive (??) gases in the earths surface which causes the depletion of the ozone layer. Gases such as carbon, monoxide, carbon dioxide and CFC’s [sic] cause this.  This causes increased amounts of short wave radiation on the earths surface emitted by the sun [sic], increased levels of short wave radennion [radiation?] on the Earths [sic] surface causes rise in temperatures and also sea level rise. This change causes the Artic ice to melt….”

Oh shudder, shuddered Edna.

But:

Perhaps of course this young person is completely correct,  and knows something that neither these friendly informed persons or this Baron Silas Greenback look alike do.

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EDNA REVIEWS: Fawkner Ladies Night

May 30, 2012

EDNA has decided to start to review stuff. She is starting with a recent ladies night. She might review more. She’s not yet sure. We hope she will endure.

Image

In moving recently from a more happening part of inner Melbourne to the (sub-?) urban fringe, I was concerned that this friendly Antipodean‘s social life would be a shortcut to the old folks home.

A notable concern was the local public house. There was no local public house.

Yet I thought there was a reprieve (and my, how excited I was) in the form of a ladies night, as per the flyer above. Thoughts were conjured of my innercity days, a vision of the my abandoned hedonic halcyon.

Oh! What I left behind. Booze, thrilly underwear, dildos.

Goodness. Mains-powered vibrating apparati. MMmmmm.

And then, upon reading the flyer, I admit I was not feeling overly confident in a good night. It was a dubious venue (a kindergarten – yes, a kindergarten!).

And there was no booze (can you get buzzed off tea?), which just made me consider staying in.

However,  hopes were lifted by the mysteriously mentioned “Enjo”!

How my mind wondered. Who are you, Enjo? My imagination conjured toned buttocks, tight knees and a wholly inappropriate chest. Such handsome virility for this hungry feminist to devour.

Now, being sheltered and having lived for 9 years in the inner city, I was unaware of what happened in the ‘burbs.

What could I expect from this “Enjo”? I was expecting a gleaming European. He would be a raging, throbbing, oliveskinned hunk of stripping man flesh. Oh Enjo, I thought, turn me on. Make me feel like a woman. Make me viscous and conducive. Leave me breathless, inconclusive.

Heart racing and blood pumping, I donned my favourite stripper underwear and sped to the Fawkner kindergarten…

How utterly disappointed I was to discover that “Enjo” was not my tantalisingly bronzed adonis, but actually a brand name for cleaning products. The ladies night truly was a night of embroidery and tupperware. Is this what counts for fun?

I am wondering if I need create my own fun by dressing up in a burka and staging up a Pythonesque ladies night at the local mosque…

EDNA will be back with more reviews. Your feedback has been amazing and only encourages her, if only to flirt with our readers.

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Shortfall Discovered in Bank’s Annual Report; Kids Cancer Charity Funds “Re-Invested”

January 11, 2012

Edna returns with another glimpse into her corporate life.

EDITOR’S COMMENTTrust the BANKERS to rip-off an honesty box to the tune of a hundred and sixty dollars!

Never let it be said that bankers don’t deserve their massive pay and bonuses. They are extremely hard working and accountable. And ethical. And clever. And cunning. And brilliant.

And as part of their oh-so-busy schedule, bankers also find time to “borrow” from poor, cancer-stricken children. Not to feed their socially-acceptable gambling habits, you understand. Not at all. But to leverage their investments. Yes, to leverage their clever investments from charity funds. What could possibly go wrong?

After all, in death, who needs the money?

As the adage goes, “You can’t take it with you.” Especially poorly children. Particularly poor, poorly children. And they’re used to being poor. And poorly. Why should they have any extra monies?

And the bankers are the new gods. They’re doing God’s work. And God knows they do it well.

So think of the poor bankers at this time, taking this adage to its extreme conclusion:

Over a hundred dollars stolen from charity. Who puts IOU notes into collection tins?? EVIL BANKERS, that's who.

LAST CHANCE to pay the $160 YOU STOLE - f*cking thieving bankers

It’s tough times in Big Finance. Got to look after number one. Just like American Psycho.

Edna might be naive, but she always thought that banks were supposed to lend money?

No wonder nobody understands the economy these days.

Better keep coughing up those tax quids to keep it all propped up and plump like a big fat goose that defecates infinite golden eggs for the Illuminati, whilst puking into the taxpayer’s hungrily open lips.

Edna is feeling edgily satirical today.

This post is helping nobody.

Least of all Edna.

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This is a Siri-us matter. Seriously.

October 14, 2011

Edna returns with some tech commentary whilst enjoying a 2$ (yes, two Aussie dollar) chardonnay.

I could not help but feel excited by the iPhone 4S business. After being so shocked by the younglings at uni I decided to indulgence in a 4.

This is what the iPhone 4 looks like in Australia.

This is what the iPhone 4 looks like in Australia.

Don’t get me wrong, I reckon that the whole 4S Siri stuff is a great idea. I could just struggle words into my phone and a pack of minced cat might turn up for my doggies.

A hilarious catfood product that sounds like vomit  - those witty Antipodean feline feeders!

Cat mince - the name suggests feeding time ain't the last you see of it.

But I always suspected the script would run like this for us Antipodeans:

Edna: SIRI, please post this to ohcheers.com.

SIRI: I can’t understand you. Are you speaking Australian?

Enda: Yes.

SIRI: That Australian twanginess is an ear-scraping tonal delight. You have the voice of an angel, but I can’t help you at all… G’day. Ripper.

What do you mean you don't understand "pub", Siri?

What do you MEAN you don't understand "pub", Siri?

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Sue Apple! Or not…

January 8, 2011

Edna noted that several members of the world community are complaining about their iPhones – be it fragility or features.

Absolutely,  Apple should be fully responsible for people that drop their iPhones,  after all “India, 6, dropped it on the road while taking photos”.  All young children,  who are of course NOT inherently clumsy SHOULD be allow to play with their expensive gadgets in the street.

No need for a case – if we all complain enough,  maybe Apple will accept responsibility and rubberise all the hard services in the world!

And in the case of the failing alarms,  Edna recalls a time when the power would go out and so would her alarm clock – what on Earth did she do then?  Who could she blame?

Apple should give out this app for free?

*Disclaimer*…   To any Apple lawyers that may view this.  Edna is joking…

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Melbourne Uni life

December 12, 2010

Edna has recently enrolled at the University of Melbourne as a “mature” (yeah, right; Oh Cheers) student and has a some bollock to report on.

  1. Edna is NOT the oldest student there, indeed there is someone ancient with white hair and not just a few gray in otherwise red locks.
  2. Edna does have the finest beard in the uni, even amongst religio-minorities, geology professors and unwashed socialists.
  3. Almost everyone aside from Edna appears to have an iPhone or iPad and are constantly tapping away on them. She now wants one or the other.
  4. No one interacts with each other at all;  isolated individuals, all looking scared of slacking off to the non-existent student pub for excessive booze and a casual shag.
  5. Oh, there is no student pub/bar.
  6. She now understands “modernism” in a literary context.
  7. She has a new found appreciation for Catcher in the Rye, and Arundhati Roy.

It’s the end of semester now, and Edna can get back to all this.

At least she made a friend…

Edna and Mary: New Best Mates.

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Flu, modernism, and modernity – will it make Edna anew?

August 31, 2010

"Make it new!" cried Ezra Pound, "but I have flu..." pained Edna.

Modernism modernity trapped influenza nightmare teleworking makes us more separate yet more accessible. Curse you Citrix.

Catcher to read, essay to write, microplane throat – night flu tablets wink but it’s only 18:23.

No time for illness must login to work go to bed shouts IT manager more easily said than done.

STOP being so obsessive Edna.

Sleep, and the OC crew enjoys the Fringe.

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Winning idea for public transport

July 15, 2010

Roving antipodean contributor Edna takes another picture.

Take a Pew

So anyone in Melbourne would know about our transport problems.   But apparently someone has the answer!

Why bother with more rolling stock,  when you could just allow people to patiently wait for a late bus on a relaxing leather sofa.

It’s also a brilliant place for teenagers to get it on (on).  Thus avoiding the problems of bushes (ooo) such as snakes and spiders.

Also,  it’s an excellent place for the drug-addled to relax or leave needles.

Or drunks to sleep on?

And it’s probably useful for a squat poo.

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