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EDNA REVIEWS: Fawkner Ladies Night

May 30, 2012

EDNA has decided to start to review stuff. She is starting with a recent ladies night. She might review more. She’s not yet sure. We hope she will endure.

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In moving recently from a more happening part of inner Melbourne to the (sub-?) urban fringe, I was concerned that this friendly Antipodean‘s social life would be a shortcut to the old folks home.

A notable concern was the local public house. There was no local public house.

Yet I thought there was a reprieve (and my, how excited I was) in the form of a ladies night, as per the flyer above. Thoughts were conjured of my innercity days, a vision of the my abandoned hedonic halcyon.

Oh! What I left behind. Booze, thrilly underwear, dildos.

Goodness. Mains-powered vibrating apparati. MMmmmm.

And then, upon reading the flyer, I admit I was not feeling overly confident in a good night. It was a dubious venue (a kindergarten – yes, a kindergarten!).

And there was no booze (can you get buzzed off tea?), which just made me consider staying in.

However,  hopes were lifted by the mysteriously mentioned “Enjo”!

How my mind wondered. Who are you, Enjo? My imagination conjured toned buttocks, tight knees and a wholly inappropriate chest. Such handsome virility for this hungry feminist to devour.

Now, being sheltered and having lived for 9 years in the inner city, I was unaware of what happened in the ‘burbs.

What could I expect from this “Enjo”? I was expecting a gleaming European. He would be a raging, throbbing, oliveskinned hunk of stripping man flesh. Oh Enjo, I thought, turn me on. Make me feel like a woman. Make me viscous and conducive. Leave me breathless, inconclusive.

Heart racing and blood pumping, I donned my favourite stripper underwear and sped to the Fawkner kindergarten…

How utterly disappointed I was to discover that “Enjo” was not my tantalisingly bronzed adonis, but actually a brand name for cleaning products. The ladies night truly was a night of embroidery and tupperware. Is this what counts for fun?

I am wondering if I need create my own fun by dressing up in a burka and staging up a Pythonesque ladies night at the local mosque…

EDNA will be back with more reviews. Your feedback has been amazing and only encourages her, if only to flirt with our readers.

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Shortfall Discovered in Bank’s Annual Report; Kids Cancer Charity Funds “Re-Invested”

January 11, 2012

Edna returns with another glimpse into her corporate life.

EDITOR’S COMMENT: Trust the BANKERS to rip-off an honesty box to the tune of a hundred and sixty dollars!

Never let it be said that bankers don’t deserve their massive pay and bonuses. They are extremely hard working and accountable. And ethical. And clever. And cunning. And brilliant.

And as part of their oh-so-busy schedule, bankers also find time to “borrow” from poor, cancer-stricken children. Not to feed their socially-acceptable gambling habits, you understand. Not at all. But to leverage their investments. Yes, to leverage their clever investments from charity funds. What could possibly go wrong?

After all, in death, who needs the money?

As the adage goes, “You can’t take it with you.” Especially poorly children. Particularly poor, poorly children. And they’re used to being poor. And poorly. Why should they have any extra monies?

And the bankers are the new gods. They’re doing God’s work. And God knows they do it well.

So think of the poor bankers at this time, taking this adage to its extreme conclusion:

Over a hundred dollars stolen from charity. Who puts IOU notes into collection tins?? EVIL BANKERS, that's who.

LAST CHANCE to pay the $160 YOU STOLE - f*cking thieving bankers

It’s tough times in Big Finance. Got to look after number one. Just like American Psycho.

Edna might be naive, but she always thought that banks were supposed to lend money?

No wonder nobody understands the economy these days.

Better keep coughing up those tax quids to keep it all propped up and plump like a big fat goose that defecates infinite golden eggs for the Illuminati, whilst puking into the taxpayer’s hungrily open lips.

Edna is feeling edgily satirical today.

This post is helping nobody.

Least of all Edna.

Posted in Banking, Business, Charity, Conspiracy, Corruption, Debt, Economy, Finance, Poor, Reportage, Rich, Ripoff, Satire, Thieving, Work | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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This is a Siri-us matter. Seriously.

October 14, 2011

Edna returns with some tech commentary whilst enjoying a 2$ (yes, two Aussie dollar) chardonnay.

I could not help but feel excited by the iPhone 4S business. After being so shocked by the younglings at uni I decided to indulgence in a 4.

This is what the iPhone 4 looks like in Australia.

This is what the iPhone 4 looks like in Australia.

Don’t get me wrong, I reckon that the whole 4S Siri stuff is a great idea. I could just struggle words into my phone and a pack of minced cat might turn up for my doggies.

A hilarious catfood product that sounds like vomit - those witty Antipodean feline feeders!

Cat mince - the name suggests feeding time ain't the last you see of it.

But I always suspected the script would run like this for us Antipodeans:

Edna: SIRI, please post this to ohcheers.com.

SIRI: I can’t understand you. Are you speaking Australian?

Enda: Yes.

SIRI: That Australian twanginess is an ear-scraping tonal delight. You have the voice of an angel, but I can’t help you at all… G’day. Ripper.

What do you mean you don't understand "pub", Siri?

What do you MEAN you don't understand "pub", Siri?

Posted in Branding, Internet, Journalism, Reportage, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Sue Apple! Or not…

January 8, 2011

Edna noted that several members of the world community are complaining about their iPhones – be it fragility or features.

Absolutely,  Apple should be fully responsible for people that drop their iPhones,  after all “India, 6, dropped it on the road while taking photos”.  All young children,  who are of course NOT inherently clumsy SHOULD be allow to play with their expensive gadgets in the street.

No need for a case – if we all complain enough,  maybe Apple will accept responsibility and rubberise all the hard services in the world!

And in the case of the failing alarms,  Edna recalls a time when the power would go out and so would her alarm clock – what on Earth did she do then?  Who could she blame?

Apple should give out this app for free?

*Disclaimer*…   To any Apple lawyers that may view this.  Edna is joking…

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Melbourne Uni life

December 12, 2010

Edna has recently enrolled at the University of Melbourne as a “mature” (yeah, right; Oh Cheers) student and has a some bollock to report on.

  1. Edna is NOT the oldest student there, indeed there is someone ancient with white hair and not just a few gray in otherwise red locks.
  2. Edna does have the finest beard in the uni, even amongst religio-minorities, geology professors and unwashed socialists.
  3. Almost everyone aside from Edna appears to have an iPhone or iPad and are constantly tapping away on them. She now wants one or the other.
  4. No one interacts with each other at all;  isolated individuals, all looking scared of slacking off to the non-existent student pub for excessive booze and a casual shag.
  5. Oh, there is no student pub/bar.
  6. She now understands “modernism” in a literary context.
  7. She has a new found appreciation for Catcher in the Rye, and Arundhati Roy.

It’s the end of semester now, and Edna can get back to all this.

At least she made a friend…

Edna and Mary: New Best Mates.

Posted in Bloodlust, Etiquette, Internet, local, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Flu, modernism, and modernity – will it make Edna anew?

August 31, 2010

"Make it new!" cried Ezra Pound, "but I have flu..." pained Edna.

Modernism modernity trapped influenza nightmare teleworking makes us more separate yet more accessible. Curse you Citrix.

Catcher to read, essay to write, microplane throat – night flu tablets wink but it’s only 18:23.

No time for illness must login to work go to bed shouts IT manager more easily said than done.

STOP being so obsessive Edna.

Sleep, and the OC crew enjoys the Fringe.

Posted in Art, Development, Drugs, Peoples, Tragic Life Stories, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Winning idea for public transport

July 15, 2010

Roving antipodean contributor Edna takes another picture.

Take a Pew

So anyone in Melbourne would know about our transport problems.   But apparently someone has the answer!

Why bother with more rolling stock,  when you could just allow people to patiently wait for a late bus on a relaxing leather sofa.

It’s also a brilliant place for teenagers to get it on (on).  Thus avoiding the problems of bushes (ooo) such as snakes and spiders.

Also,  it’s an excellent place for the drug-addled to relax or leave needles.

Or drunks to sleep on?

And it’s probably useful for a squat poo.

Posted in Drugs, Etiquette, Peoples, Politics, Reportage, Toilet | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Bushmeat in Melbourne

July 2, 2010

Edna, our trans-Pacific contributor, is aghast….

When out for a pleasant drive one day,  I uncovered a shocking culinary crime against animal humanity!

After this African animal bushmeat scandal, we now have Halal Flamingo! On a pizza? How can this possibly be true?  Surely these poor animals suffer enough.

According to the all knowing wikipedia,  in Ancient Rome their tongues were a delicacy,  so maybe a pizza topping as well?

Sir David Attenborough would be appalled,  all those poor pink birdy birds being forced to face Qibla before being throat-slitted would make Paris Hilton feel quite unsettled.

Is Edna now damned to Islamic hell for reporting on this?  Is Google in on this too? Note the airbrushing

Dubious photo evidence below.

"Is it Kosher?"

Halal Flamingo: "Is it Kosher?"

Posted in Comedy, Dinner, Religion, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Numbers + Waters = ???

June 12, 2010

Edna was gifted with something amazing – and it’s not the gift of love, life or Jesus…

One was given a WPC the other day, a WPC? No silly, a water powered calculator!

Apparently these things have been around for a while, but one is quite old and one is rather confused by all this nonsense. I would like to know how such a device can possibly work?

And more to the point, why this water stuff is not used in other devices such as my battery devouring abomination/excuse for a “magic mouse“.

Edna is confused and asks for answers.

This guy might know?







L'Editor's comment: no gag is too l'eau. L'eau cheers.

Posted in Technology | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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Are You Tom?

June 6, 2010

Edna has been patiently waiting for spinach seeds from a farmer at the local market, and reports on the experience…

Edna: Hello Blakey, have you got my seeds?

Blakey: Seeds! Bugger [SLAPS HEAD]. I was supposed to bring some of the Warrigal down for Tom at the gasworks.

Edna: I’m Edna.

Blakey: Damn, I forgot the seeds for Tom as well. Are you Tom?

Edna: No, I’m Edna.

Blakey: Are you sure you’re not Tom?

Pause

Edna: I’m sure I’m Edna.

Blakey: Do you know Tom?

Edna: No

Edna buys some leeks, onions and spinach,  pays $21.

Blakey: All the best Tom, I will bring them for your next time.

Blakey’s wife: [ROLLS EYES)

Edna got her seeds a few weeks later,  the spinach is growing nicely.

True story.

Blakey: Are you sure you're not Tom?

Look deep into Blakey's wild, wild eyes. You are Tom.

Posted in Comedy, Dinner, Peoples, Society, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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